Exhausted I was looking forward to rest in my boutique Cotswold hotel, which will remain a nameless coaching inn in Lechlade. Uniquely British ‘hospitality’ is alive and kicking in the Cotswolds. It’s like they never got the Fawlty Towers memo and are stuck in a 70’s time-warp. There is no need to change as there is limited availability and a captive market. Running an Inn in the Cotswolds is a licence to print money. I did the maths and reckon an entrepreneurial owner could turn a million pounds profit each year. If you are lucky enough to own such a place then you are rich and those who visit are even richer. They cater for the affluent and know how to extort cash.
I knew all was not well upon arrival. It is all in the body language and the demand for payment up front put me on guard. The defensive tone suggested previous complaints were still ringing in ears.
‘Erm… can I see the room first?’
‘You have booked through booking.com so you have to pay, You won’t find anywhere else tonight in the Cotswolds.’
Well I was hoping to stay here!
It soon hit me when I opened the door, which had a yellowing gloss sheen and needed a budge to open. Stale cigarette smoke and a fuggy heat! I tried to open a window but there was a plastic window as a form of double glazing which didn’t permit a draft. The old window was so filthy I could hardly see through to the pretty high street which lay beyond somewhere. The impenetrable plastic ‘glazing’ meant it had not been cleaned for years. I’d walked 20 miles so I lay down and the bed was comfy enough. Was it worth the hassle of complaining? It would just cause bad feeling and I was here to relax. I’m not good at conflict usually opting for the path of least resistance.
I took a shower and felt human again, almost in good spirits although that smell just hung about. As I looked about I noticed small things. The dresser was vintage 80’s dark wood. The cushions were stained so went on the floor, but they always do as no one ever washes cushions. The carpet was a deep jungle green and induced vertigo so I looked toward the curtain and this was my catalyst. A drop of something red? I had to at least question things.
‘Yes, good afternoon again. I’m a bit shocked at the accommodation. In fact I’m frankly disgusted. I’m paying over £100 for a dingy room, lukewarm water, grey scratchy towels and a window that doesn’t open. It also stinks of fags.'
‘You did ask for a bath’
‘I’m not sure how that is relevant…I don’t mean to be rude but if I had an option I’d leave now.’
‘I’m sorry I’ll call the manager.. he’s at home’
‘I hear you are unhappy.. I disagree with your description of the room’
‘Well.. I can show you if you like..’
‘I don’t need to be shown round my own hotel, I know the room inside out’
‘Well can I move rooms if there are better ones?’
‘We are fully booked…I’ll have a look...I hear you had a shower?
‘Yes I’ve been on a long walk and took a shower. Is that a problem?’
‘Then it is impossible, housekeeping have gone home…We could move you tomorrow?’
‘I won’t be here tomorrow’
‘Well you are booked for two nights, the deal is two nights.’
‘I’m definitely not staying tomorrow so we can sort that out first then see if there is another room’
‘Well we can’t refund you it through booking.com’
‘But I just paid you half an hour ago. Look I don’t want any bad feeling I just want a decent room to relax inn. I’ve paid quite a bit for it.’
‘We are competitively priced for the Costwold, perhaps you were looking for a more boutique experience?’
‘Yes, perhaps...’
‘You mentioned the room was not clean?’
‘It smells of cigarettes, I cannot open the window so it’s hard to be in the room.’
Yes its double glazed. We have a no smoking policy.’
Well it reeks of fags and its not really double glazing is it. Whatever it is, it can’t be opened hence the windows are so dirty you can hardly see out…There are also a few stains…’
Stains?
‘On the cushions but also red stain on the curtains. Blood maybe?’
‘Oh yes that’s wine. They cost £400’
‘You know about the stains then? Could you not get them cleaned? In case someone thinks there’s been a Midsomer Murder’
‘You are being facetious now…SILENCE…’
‘Look this is good value for the area you are in. Have a look on the internet you won’t find anything local for under £200. Our food is renowned as the best in the area.’
‘I’m sure it is but a captive market doesn’t excuse the standard of accommodation does it?’
‘Well I don’t agree with you…I will cancel your booking tomorrow... can we also agree NOT to provide a negative review!’
‘OK, that sounds reasonable.’
’But it would be cheaper on a Sunday so you won’t get half the money back.’
‘I think I need to go for a walk…let’s deal with the bill in the morning’
‘Will you be eating with us tonight?’
??!!
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